Fuck Steve Jobs

Is this really all that anyone has to gripe about Steve Jobs?  That he was kind of a dick and he didn’t give to charity?  Gawker accuses Steve of being a dictator.  He bullied people.  He was authoritarian.  He used child labor.

No fucking shit.

Look at every product Apple churned out under Steve Jobs.  Clean monochrome plastic and aluminum.  Mind numbingly ascetic.  People are calling him a fucking polymath and he has my taste in design . . . that is, none.  Steve Jobs was designing the future for the sexless, lifeless people from Star Trek: The Next Generation . . . People who don’t drink, who wear tidy little turtle-necks, and walk around maintaining their three-foot distance from others with strict non-offensive body language.

The Job-o-philes of the world are a sorry, jerk-off generation of geeky techno hipsters who contributed more to Starbucks‘ stock price than they did to actual civilization.

What did Steve Jobs actually contribute?

The iPod: Jobs took an existing technology, repackaged it in crappy plastic, and kicked it out to the masses.  His company made computers.  The iPod was just a peripheral, and the real success was the creation of iTunes.  I’ll admit to owning an iPod Nano.  It’s old as fuck and doesn’t work.  Gen 1.  I bought it because, at that exact moment, the market for MP3 players was smashed.  There really weren’t other worthwhile options.

iTunes: Jobs devised a way to sell MP3s to the masses cheaply so that he could capitalize on the iPod.  Really, he came up with a sexy looking version of Napster that charged money.  Holy fuck.  Somebody give him a one-hand clap for that.

Computers: At the time of the iPod’s birth Apple was making shit computers.  Their greatest achievement was that they invented the Graphic User Interface.  Wheeeee.  Jobs was fucking thrown off that project, and it was really Steve Wozniak who was responsible for that anyway.  Once Woz left daily involvement in the company, the pioneering stopped.

Unless, of course, you reeeeaallly like Photoshop.

iPhone: Wow.  Steve Jobs took the Cell Phone and gave it a . . . gulp . . . bigger graphical user interface.  He made it a combination MP3 player and Game Boy.  Clever.  Was it reeaaaally original?  It wasn’t like he designed the fucking hardware himself.  Ultimately it was just a plastic potato chip with lousy battery life that NO ONE COULD LIVE WITHOUT unless they had thoughts of their own.

iPad: An iPhone.  Bigger.  Seriously, Steve Jobs looked at an iPhone and said, “How big can we make the screen?”  Then they kicked out a big fucking iPod Touch.

Steve Jobs was a douchebag.  He had the design sense of the Third Reich, minus the passion.  He was a brilliant marketer, I’ll give him that.  He found ways to package shit that made millions of assholes buy it.  Then he sold it as a “lifestyle”, and made all the assholes BIGGER assholes.  He repackaged things, made them stylish and simple, and rebuilt a computer company as a lifestyle accessory company.  Jewelry for SWPLs.

Steve Jobs sold ice to eskimos.

22 thoughts on “Fuck Steve Jobs

  1. Haha dude, I love your article. Perfectly describes what I think, and better than I could say it since I’m no native English speaker.

  2. Dear Dr. Fkin,

    I can’t live without air. I can’t live without food. I can’t live without poon ; well, I can really I just don’t like to.

    However, I can live without iphones or ipads or ipods, and in fact I’ve survived like that for the last decade. I have friends who seem to be able to live without food (what I wold call food anyway), without drink, but they tell me they couldn’t live without their ithingy.

    I’m thinking of leaving my body to science, compared to me men with two dongs are just banal. In fact, women with two dongs are pretty ordinary compared to my case.

    Do you think there is a treatment ???

  3. Jobs was a prick but he didn’t hide it. He had so much talent he didn’t need to be nice to anyone. He didn’t give a fuck about people’s “feelings”, refreshing honesty in a tech CEO. In a world drowning in estrogen he was the most alpha of nerds.

    He created products that people love and made tons of money for his shareholders. Both the original ipod, the iphone and the iPad were massively better than everything that had gone before, which is why the previous dominant companies from Samsung to Sony have copied them, in the case of Samsung, pretty much identically, the useless fucks.

    Under Jobs, Apple wouldn’t even let you make shitty accessories (such as low quality docking speakers) to match his products because they would lower the user’s enjoyment of the ipod, iphone, whatever. This simple strategy created openings for countless American start ups to sell high margin accessories and later, apps and other software. Under Jobs, America reconquered the Consumer Electronics business. If the US car industry had a Steve jobs, they would retake the luxury car market from the Germans.

    Now that he is gone expect Apple to rejoin the race to the bottom and go the way or IBM and HP, selling their computer divisions to foreigners. Profits and jobs will diminish, innovation will be reduced and the end-user will once again need to be able to fix their own computers.

  4. You made some great points in the post but your argument is undermined by being too extreme. If you don’t give the man his due you break the male honor code and unaligned, mature men won’t listen to you so your valuable points will be missed.

    Jobs took advantage of the herd-like behavior of narcissistic sissies. That doesn’t diminish his achievements.

  5. The last time I checked free speech is an inalienable right in this country. Max voiced his opinion & that’s his right. Only lemmings who follow the herd will think he’s extreme but that’s only cuz many refuse to think for themselves.

    We should respect Steve Jobs for his achievement in guiding Apple to be success but that doesn’t mean we should treat him like a God.

  6. steve jawbz didnt make nothing , he was just buy the stuff and put inside the OS , iphone or ipad or other fucking OS >> Wich also is producet by hes workers , …

  7. I get the vague sense that you’re a communist worker and that English is the second of two languages you can’t write. Despite this, I feel some connection to you. I will buy you a beer. Draft only, sit two seats down. Cheers.

  8. I was more pissed that dmr died the week after and nobody gave a shit. Instead they made hundreds of specials about Jobs the douchebag, even though Dennis Ritchie fucking pioneered C language (the basis of practically all modern OS)

  9. MAX is right! You’re the Dude! Fuck Steve Jobs and let others enjoy his money now. He’s dead and forgotten. If you sissy-cock-knocker-artsy-fartsy-apple-fags could read, you would see that all Max’s supporting facts support his initial statement. READ AGAIN: “Is this really all that anyone has to gripe about Steve Jobs? That he was kind of a dick and he didn’t give to charity? Gawker accuses Steve of being a dictator. He bullied people. He was authoritarian. He used child labor.”

  10. While dated, I just stumbled upon this after searching for “fuck Steve Jobs.”

    Well done. Let’s also not forget that the fucking pedophiles that run that shit stain of a company are also incapable of competing in the marketplace without bullying and suing their competitors. Competitors they stole from to begin with.

    The success of the soulless cocksuckers that represent “apple” is an epic monument to the stupidity of humankind.

  11. Googled “Fuck Steve Jobs” and so, I am here. Yea let’s make a phone worth a few hundred dollars and make the cunt out of fragile glass that obliterate when you drop it from the couch. Let’s make the ports unique so we can charge cunts their left legs to buy a new one. Let’s make the battery last as though it was powered by 2 aaa batteries. Fuck off cunts

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